I’m growing. As a person, as a woman, as a believer. Once upon a time my world revolved around the concept of love, and the perfect relationship it would produce. I was a hopeless romantic to a fault. From birth to roughly 2008, I wasn’t a girl who guys flocked to. However, as I entered my first semester in college, I saw a change in myself. For the better I suppose. I got some confidence about myself, but my desire to be in a relationship had diminished. Perhaps because of my love for myself, or perhaps because my studies wouldn’t allow my mind to trip on frivolous matters.
Regardless, that was soon shot to Hell when I allowed myself to fall in love. It began with my loving the fact that someone else saw my potential. I fell in love with love, with black love, with passionate black love. I didn’t fear the fall, in fact I wanted it with such anticipation and haste that I was willing to ignore tell-tale signs of miscommunication, infidelity, and a lack of respect. I wanted love so bad I made myself love the person. I was excited at the chance to say those three words, without realizing that once in deep enough anything would go. Though I threw myself at his feet, in retrospect, I can say that I eventually fell for him, unconditionally, naturally, and amorously. What came next was to be expected: heartbreak. No use in crying over spilled milk ,so I’ll leave it at that.
In saying all this, I’ve come to realize that while I adore and appreciate love, it’s not a concern of mine at this moment (finding a job is though). If it comes and I feel it, I won’t deny the feeling, in fact I’ll embrace it, but I don’t need it like I once believed I did. Alongside my knowing that fairy tales are rare, I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable, I fear the fall and chance of not being caught, but more than anything I see there is more to life than a dramatic love life. There’s friendship, family, and there can be companionship, I just refuse to allow it to dictate my life. I like where I am now and I like where it can go…
I’m learning patience and I’m willing to wait for when the timing is right.